riding the blog out

Raindrops patter on the roof of our 98-year-old home as I sit in my office waiting patiently for a decent topic to write about comes to mind. Then lightning strikes! Unfortunately for you readers, I mean literally- and just outside my window. Slightly startled, I'm still at a loss for words.

My wife always enjoys hearing of my adventures when I visit the grocery store; so let's see what I can pull out of the old shopping bag. Would you like paper or plastic?

Personally, I would prefer paper for the nostalgic feelings associated with when I worked at Arganbright's Grocery in high school. Still, I always choose plastic as it amuses me to watch the baggers put single items that are made to be carried by their handle (laundry detergent for example) in individual plastic bags. The best of that routine is that even the kid who wears a bicycle helmet while running aimlessly about the parking lot corralling stray shopping karts has enough common sense to realize that those plastic bags are so weak that you can't trust them with much more than a carton of eggs and a box of lemon Zingers.

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I actually found myself in Smith's grocery store twice in just less than 24 hours. Oh the HUMANITY! I enjoy watching the people, and trying to categorize them based on gross generalities whenever possible. I find it interesting to note that single, old men seem to flock to do their shopping during the later portion of Wednesday afternoons. I wonder why that is.

Also, don't ask me why, but I noticed the last two times that the stockers were unable to keep up with the demand for cans of Del Monte peas. They are currently on sale (3 for $1.00), but that doesn't explain why that portion of the shelves was bare. Are Del Monte peas better than the store brand? What's wrong with Del Monte green beans or carrots? This is all very confusing to a person who believes that the whole notion of vegetables being "good" for humans is actually fallout from a government conspiracy that began during the Great Depression to see exactly how gross of items people would tolerate eating if they had to.

Vegetables... Yeah, I used to get in trouble at the dinner table quite often as a youngster. Once my mother told me to clean my plate as I sat staring at a pile of then room temperature lima beans, and I thought that meant she wanted me to go scrape the entire mess off into the trashcan. Boy was I wrong! Luckily, I got sent to bed early that night, so I could enjoy my stash of Easter candy in peace, without fear of my older brother launching a surprise offensive into my half of our room, and shooting me with spit wads.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, at the grocery store. I also enjoy finding empty wrappers and cans on the shelves while I shop. Sometimes the smallest gestures of sticking it to the "man" are the best.

I also have questions concerning grocery store etiquette. How much should you tip the butcher? Which one of you knuckleheads is responsible for stashing the container of cottage cheese behind the four boxes of Uncle Sam's Laxative Cereal? When prompted for your "savers card," is it okay to hand the cashier the wrong one on purpose just so you can begin venting about how lame and annoying those transparent marketing strategies are? And when asked if you need help out to your car, what is the best way to ask them to tell Kartboy to keep his distance until you have loaded yourself and all your items into your vehicle and locked the door?